The dust has settled. The medal takes up prize position on my fathers shelf. This part of the journey has come to an end.
What is funnily enough never mentioned in those pesky training plans, is the emptiness you will be left with once the finish line hasbeen crossed.
All of a sudden my diary is flung wide open and I can socialise again. I have no fifteen mile runs to ‘look forward’ to and i don’t quite know what to do with myself.
Once the tantrums had unfolded, tears dried and head deflated. I had to make some decisions.
Yes, I will run again. This tour has nothing to do with me and everything to do with HIV/AIDS. I will not stop until the stigma does. Point blank period. Two people I know and love are HIV+ Interacting with them allows me to simmer my ego and remember why I began this journey in the first place. Many runners take part in the physical to boost their own ego. I understand it. but I don’t co-sign it.
The fact I began to champion Avert is what has kept me going through the darker times.
I will do my best to mentor more ‘minorities’ and ensure that next years VLM has more black girls than a Snoop Dogg video. I understand that I am an unwilling role model. While there are no immediate plans to sack off my ‘recreational activities’ I will endeavour to lead a healthier lifestyle, if thats what it takes to get more people DOING DA TING.
All upcoming races have been put on pause. An X-ray revealed that I disrupted my ACL on the VLM race. That coupled with the fact that my stress fracture, still causes me stress, I am taking some time off. A month actually. I’ll probably have to come bad with a couch to 5k plan but fuck it, at least I’ll be able to walk in the shoes I work so hard for.
Whatever I do next, will not be so public. This space will always stand and the updates will continue to be regular but the time of inviting every tom dick and undeserving sally into the mix are well and truly over. This path we shuffle along is mighty lonely. While we are pressured into believing that we need assistance all of the time the marathon taught me that no one knows what you’re going through. So as the tour progress’ I am going to be playing my cards a lot closer to my chest.
To everyone that has donated thus far, there are no words that can entertain my gratitude.
To all those who consider me a role model, thank you. But remember I am human and when my shit hits the fan, it stinks more than most.
“Like most others, I was a seeker, a mover, a malcontent, and at times a stupid hell-raiser. I was never idle long enough to do much thinking, but I felt somehow that some of us were making real progress, that we had taken an honest road, and that the best of us would inevitably make it over the top. At the same time, I shared a dark suspicion that the life we were leading was a lost cause, that we were all actors, kidding ourselves along on a senseless odyssey. It was the tension between these two poles – a restless idealism on one hand and a sense of impending doom on the other – that kept me going.” Hunter S. Thompson, The Rum Diary
DO DA TING